Alice: Madness Returns is ruining my childhood!

I'm not gonna go on forever about why this game sucks. Standart idendity crysis hits a lot of sequels, and this one is not spared. It's main problem (and probably the only one) is that it is trying to be everything else. It doesn't need to be, and EA failed to realise that. The original Alice was perfect. Sure, it have it's flaws, but it never stopped me from enjoying it. This one feels like it is holding my hand to make sure I'm not getting lost. Using our brains is too difficult for us, they may say XD

So, I'm gonna go point by point (as I usually do) and list what annoys me the most. I'm sure some of you guys will think of something else, so feel free to comment about it.

SO, what annoys me the most, in order of annoyance:

1: WASTING MY FUCKING TIME, "SIMON'S QUEST" STYLE BABY!
2: Endless collectibles (refer to point 1)
3: Story is pointless
4: Useless combat system
5: EVERYTHING ELSE

So, first two points annoys me to no end. Any players remember Banjo Kazooie? Well, Alice: Madness Returns feels like that, but without the good music, or the free exploration, of the comedy, or whatever else which made Banjo Kazooie good. There is collectibles everywhere, secret rooms, more collectibles, teeth (which serves as money), bottles, MOAR STUFF TO GRAB GOD DAMN IT IT NEVER STOPS!?!?!%!%!%

Here's why this feels like Simon's quest. It's fuckin' farming to increase your weapons, which is useless btw. I actually played on hard without upgrading any weapons at all. In fact, you're saving a lot of time just ignoring all of these secret rooms. I DID end up upgrading my stuff, but nothing feels rewarding. You just attack faster, or fire faster with your "pepper machine gun". No special moves or spells or different gameplay mechanics, nothing like that. More DPS, that's it. So at this point you pretty much wasted your time for no reason at all.

However, even if you ignore the collectibles, the game will still waste your time. Repetitive puzzles which offers no challenge at all, switch hunting to unlock a path that leads to another switch, and another switch, and so un until you complete the chapter, and in the next chapter it's platforming to activate switches all over again. You never "feel" like going forward, and sometimes they make you turn in a big circle just to waste your time. You actually come back to the start, expecting a boss battle. But nope, nothing like that. Just a small cinematic, and the chapter ends. OH, well thank you for taking my time like that EA. Just keep it all, I insist.

In short, You never have any sort of concrete goal to accomplish. In the first game, every actions you complete leads to the next part of the story, and the game never FELT like wasting your time. There was some puzzles, sure,  but at least they were entertaining and there's about 15 of them in the entire game. Here it's about a hundred of them, and it's all the same.


POINT THREE is also a bother. In the first game it was all about this insane quest to defeat your inner madness and restoring your sanity. Characters who were previously gentle and intriguing are now abominable creatures who only dream of squashing you into a pretty stain. Or burst your ears. In the end, it offered an interesting story with a couple of twists, interesting characters, and that goddamn cat XD

In Madness Returns, the story is...well....is there even one to begin with? Sure, they establish that Wonderland is corrupted, that Alice is crazy and dark and haz creepy eyes, but..... NOTHING HAPPENS! She just visits parts of Wonderlands because she...feels like it? Iono, at some point she have hallucinations, which causes her to fall through the ground, and she bunny hops beside a river, and she comes back to the real world and acts as if nothing....happened. WUT?

Ok, so I didn't finished the game yet, But I'm deep into the third chapter and still I'm not really sure of what is happening, or if it's for good reasons, or if it's important. I understand the Train and what it represents, and I get why Wonderland is transforming, but that's not a story. That's retaking stuff in the first game and making echoes of what happened there. In the first game, things were clear from the start: Queen of hearts is going bat shit crazy and you need to stop her in order to regain your sanity. Neat. The game is STILL mental, but now that we have a firm goal, we can enjoy everything else.

But in Madness Returns, things...happens. You help people because they ask you to, and when you're done you get back to the real world where some other things happens, and then you go back to Wonderland where something else happens, and...

Through all of that, the player never feels like accomplishing something. And I'm not even talking about the cinematics where, you guessed it, nothing happens. Sometimes it's someone talking about Alice's mental case, sometimes it's a character in Wonderland talking about something we must do for them. Nothing constructive.

And don't get me started on boss battles. There is no boss battles at all...


POINT FOUR (the combat system) is the greatest asset of the game. It feels inventive, fluid and....oh, wait, you're telling me that there's about dozens of games like that now?

If you want a good answer for this point....Darksiders. It's a Darksiders clone. Just spam the main attack button and everyone dies. Since dying is never penalising, risk is not there. Also, the weapons are bland, generic, and you can't even play with your combos. At least Darksiders gave us the decency of being creative with different attack patterns.

But here, every weapons have a single combo, even if you upgrade them, which is solely used to stun-lock opponents which makes them defenseless You have the Vorpal Blade (aka War's standart sword) to dispatch small enemies, then you have the horse hammer (aka War's power gloves.....it's so bad XD) for enemies with shields or other protections. Your machine gun....oh, pepper grinder, sorry... is used to fight flying targets, so you shoot them, and they die, and they give teeth so you can upgrade your already bland weapons so that they can do a better job, and....Damn it's happening all over again!

Sure, sometimes there's a "bigger" foe, but nothing challenging. And even if he's about to hit you, just SPAM the living *&?% of that dodge key and he'll never even scratch you. Considering that Darksiders is a ripoff of about 10 games, then it would mean that Madness Returns is a ripoff of a ripoff. Great :S


Now, everyone remembers the combat system in the first Alice? Yeah, there was no combat system, it was all about using your super clever awesome brain and thinking for a second. Enemies are rushing towards you? then fry them with your flaming music box! Enemies are overpowering you? then make use of these super convenient super awesome diabolical dices (my favorite weapon in the game) to give them a SPIICYY surprise! Enemies are shooting you to death and you're getting tired of it? then simply use your freezing staff to create a solid wall of ice and hide behind it!

Having a mana gauge was akin to NOT SPAM TO WIN! You had to think about your actions. Don't waste weapons, don't rush, and you'll live. Hell, the battles were satisfying too! Throwing a music box so that it would bounce on a wall and land right under their balls (and violently explode) was so great! The weapon selection (all nine of them) was unique, inventing and fun to use. AND every weapons were useful in certain situations. Unlike another game, where it feels like Dead Space 2.5 "my unborn little girl is fighting monsters" game.


And that's it, pretty much. I could go on forever about annoying cinematics trying to scare you by violently zooming into someone's eye, or people VIOLENTLY turning around with a zoom right in their face, desperately trying to scare you or whatever. Now, to be fair there is some good points about this game. The soundtrack is akin to the first one, even if the number of memorable songs is limited, the artwork is great (probably the only reason why you should buy the game, if you're REALLY into it), but nothing is reedeming enough for me to suggest the game. In short, as I said at the beginning, Madness Returns suffers a critical identity crysis, which is really sad for both the fans and EA. Stick to the original game XD